There is no other title than that for this subject, well maybe there is; for instance, sadness, tears, despair, to name a few. Today was no different than any other when it comes to my depression. I was good one minute and then the next I wanted to cry, a few tears did fall. I don’t have many good days any more, but I think it comes with the season, you know, Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is so cold outside right now and today we finally got some snow, not much but some. I thought I would like the snow, you see I’m also a photographer and would enjoy taking some photos out in the snow, but I feel miserable. I want to go to sleep, bury myself in my warm blankets and forget the world. I was hoping to take some new family photos in the snow since we really didn’t have much of a fall to get good photos then, which depressed me even more, but there are more circumstances that led to my depression in the fall for my fall photos which are still there today that I cannot take my family photos again in the snow like I would like. But my depression has me going downward that I don’t want to leave the house. I did leave for a little bit today with my husband and that is when my tears fell.
Tears. They fall because of thoughts, because of things I hear, because of conversations I’ve had, because of almost anything these days. I had a simple conversation with my husband the other day and I started to cry. I don’t think he knew that I was crying though. It was a simple conversation with no real importance and the tears welled up. I can’t believe that simple things like this an bring me to tears anymore. I don’t like this feeling. I wish I knew what to do to make myself feel better, I am learning a few things to help but haven’t really started any yet because I think that I am too scared.
To top this off, I am having more anxiety attacks. These attacks are nothing major, nothing that really needs to be worried about but there are more of them. They are small attacks that don’t last very long, I usually get myself out of them quickly. As I am writing this, I am starting to have one. This feeling is beginning to be my new norm and it doesn’t feel any better than being depressed all the time. These anxiety attacks seem weird. My heart starts racing and I get light headed. I then get dizzy and my brain gets fuzzy for a short while. I get hot. These panic attacks only last a few short minutes, but they are rather annoying. Sometimes I get a panic attack that really takes my breathe away, these ones however are rare.
My panic attacks I think are directly linked to my depression. It seems that every time that I have one of these little panic attacks I have been really down in the dumps, I think that is what might bring on the panic attack in the first place. My mind racing trying to think of a way to get out of my rut and then it just hits and I’m in more pain than I was before, meaning that not just my head hurt from the depressed feelings but now my chest hurts from the racing heart.
Today, although I had a panic attack, tears fell down my face, and my depression was so bad that all I wanted to do was sleep ended on a good note. My husband and I cooked dinner together for the kids. We watched movies all evening, different varieties of movies. Little Luna watched with us for a bit until she bored with the movie choices, then she found her own thing to do. Audrey went to a sleepover and Simon did his own thing in his room, either playing a video game or working on building his model Gundam he got for his birthday earlier this month.
Although it snowed and I was bummed that I was too depressed to go out and take photos, it didn’t snow that much, maybe an inch or two. It is pretty but not something that is making me really want to go out there and snap some photos. I will get back out there soon with my camera and take more photos, hopefully that will help with some of my depression and get me out of this funk. I can only hope on that. So all in all, it started out as a bad day but kind of ended on a good note. Goodnight. 😊
-Hilda
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