“I’m fine.”
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I’m always fine. I have to be fine. I don’t have the option of being anything else. It hurts but I’m fine. I’m crying but I’m fine.
.
I want to scream at the roof tops that I’m hurting and I need someone. But I don’t think anyone will listen. No one ever listens.
.
I am going to start talking. I can’t keep quiet any more.
.
I’m not fine. And I need you to know
I have to keep telling myself that I am fine. I am far from fine. I cry myself to sleep every night. Tears fall and go unnoticed. My tear soaked pillow is dry by morning and my husband never knows the hurt that I go through every night. I’m in so much pain that even I do not understand it sometimes.
There has been so much going on that it is hard to comprehend just what is going on. Everything is just a whirl wind of things; of emotions, of pain, of hurt, of doing the things that can get me to the end of the day till I can la in my bed at night and cry myself to sleep again. Here lately there has been life and loss. Heartache and love. Emptiness and fullness. But it never seems to be enough.
Nothing is seems to be enough. I never get to be the one. I am never the one. I am no one. I get ignored, unless they need something. I want to run away but where. Where do I go? How do I go? Everything will still follow me, I can’t get away from any of it. I am in so much depression any more that it feels like my brain is on fire. My heart hurts because there is so much pain in there that if any more pain was to enter it, it might shatter. The weight is over bearing. I can’t carry it any more and I don’t have any one to help me carry it.
I’m tired of being FINE! I want to be great. Amazing. Wonderful. Anything else but FINE.