My Mind is A Wallflower

Have you ever had a dream that felt real to you?

I have. I seem to have them all the time. Last night was no different. But there is one thing that is different with my dreams, some of them seem to become real, kind of like premonitions. I must tell someone my dreams or write them down somewhere or else they will happen. When I have those dreams, I get into a weird mood that makes me spiral. I want to scream. I want to break something. I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel dirty when I have these dreams, especially last nights dream.

I haven’t had a dream like this one in a very long time and I’m afraid. I want to cry right now. I did tell my husband about my dream, but it doesn’t seem like enough this time. He didn’t seem like he really wanted to know or understand my feelings about it. He just said, “really?” and went on about his business. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

My dream was this:

I was having a great day. I think I was in school, college, and the class that I was in was going on a field trip. My ride for this trip got in trouble so we had to have a chaperone of sorts come along with us on this trip. We arrived at the location. This location was like a work shop or auto shop or something. There only seemed to be men working at this place. I needed to use the restroom, so I went off. A few of the men went about their day as if we were not there. One person decided that he needed to go to the restroom as well and he did not want to wait his turn. He barged his way into the restroom even though I had it locked and proceeded to undo his coveralls so he could “go.” But that is not what he had in mind because I was still sitting on the toilet and after he pulled his pants off, he pulled me off the toilet and proceeded to rape me. The shop was loud, so no one heard me scream. After he finished what he was doing he got up and left the shop completely. I got dressed and left the restroom and went straight to complain to the manager of the shop and have a conversation with the chaperone that came with us on this field trip. I told the manager what the person looked like and he said that he does not have an employee that looks like that that works there. The person was no where to be seen. We called the police and filed a report.

When the dream seemed like it was over, I knew my mind was awake, but my body was frozen, maybe frozen with fear or something. I could not move.

I wrote that yesterday. I could not finish that post because I went into a deep depression that I just wanted to sleep. So that is what I did. I slept most of the day away. I did not pay attention to dinner or lack of it because the crock pot some how turned off, I think there is an issue with the electrical outlet. I did not pay attention to the kids, thankfully they are self-sufficient that they can take care of themselves, which I hate sometimes because I hate that they must take care of themselves when I get into moods like that. We had to find some leftovers for dinner last night because of the crock pot not working right, which I also hate. After dinner though, I took a shower and that kind of got me out of my funk enough to get the kids to bed. I really do love my kids, very much. They are such good kids.

I went to bed late last night because I just did not want to go to sleep. My husband was not there, and it just didn’t feel right. He is away on a business trip for the next few days and so it is just me and the kids. Sleep eluded me anyway, maybe because I slept most of the day away or because I was afraid to have another dream, I don’t know. When I did finally go to sleep, it was not a good sleep. I did not dream though. Thankfully. I don’t think I could handle another dream like that again, not this soon. I did not want to wake up this morning, Audrey had to come to my room to see if I was awake. I dosed off in the car while waiting for Luna’s school doors to open. I am so freaking tired. I am also so tired of being so freaking tired. I wish I knew what to do about it. I am trying my hardest to stay awake at work, but it is hard since we hardly have any patients today. It is so slow. I hate days like today, days like today make me wish I had a different job.

I am just glad I did not dream again last night. Have any of you had dreams that became reality? This is not the first dream that I want out there to not be reality because I have had dreams that have come true, that is why I tell my dreams to someone as soon as I can because then they won’t happen. The last time I had a dream that I didn’t tell about, a few people died. I don’t want that to happen again.